


Do You Have Any Regrets?

by theianitor



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M, Post-Break Up, Prompt Fill, Reflection, Regrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 06:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13452243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theianitor/pseuds/theianitor
Summary: “Looking back on it now, do you have any regrets?”Since it was the first interview since his career as an F1-driver ended the question was completely expected, yet it still caught Mark off guard. Did he have any regrets?





	Do You Have Any Regrets?

**Author's Note:**

> So I got a prompt from an absolute lovely, which read as follows: "prompt 16, martian xD go write me some angst bae <3".  
> Now I can't deny such a nice request. I also can't really write angst, lol. XD Consider it an experiment.

\- 2014, beginning of the new year -

 

“Looking back on it now, do you have any regrets?”

Since it was the first interview since his career as an F1-driver ended the question was completely expected, yet it still caught Mark off guard. Did he have any regrets?

“Sure, I mean... of course. I try to go through it all without regrets and I think that’s a good attitude to have...” The reporter nodded her assent. “But there’s always going to be opportunities you missed, chances you wish you took, you know?” Mark looked down at his hands.

 

\--

 

He’d been doing so much thinking back over the last few days that the memories popped up whether he wanted them to or not. There had been so many questions about the last couple of years that everything was fresh in his mind, almost too clear, too obvious with the passage of time and the benefit of hindsight.

In the beginning he had missed it completely. That was certainly a point of regret, but he considered it more an act of decency. Sebastian was barely out of his teens and certainly didn’t look it, wide-eyed, innocent, all smiles and questions and wanting to learn. He had thought the kid looked up to him as a mentor of sorts, which was definitely true in part, but Mark had missed the other stuff. He had missed at first how Sebastian looked at him almost longingly, always trying to sit next to him, trying to engage him in conversation, trying to make him laugh with his stupid jokes and antics.

Almost a year in Sebastian had decided to change tactic and it was hard, not to say impossible, for Mark to miss it when he did. With the same innocuous air as ever, Sebastian asked to go over something in his room. They had been sitting pretty close going over the notes, and then Sebastian leaned over, eyes huge and hopeful, mouth just a little open, and just as Mark was about to ask what he was doing he found himself being kissed. In sheer surprise he had pulled back, looking at Seb and trying to ask what the hell was going on. Seb had looked at him for a second and then got up and ran from the room. Definitely something Mark regretted.

Seb’s looks changed from longing to apprehensive after that and Mark hurt for him. He was sorry, but he wasn’t sure how something like this could possibly work out. Knowing by then that he had some kind of feelings for Seb didn’t exactly help. For a few months they suffered separately, then they had _the talk_. It wasn’t heated or tense, really. It was for the best. His only regret was not doing it sooner.

Having an intimate relationship with your main rival had its downsides, of course. Mark never used his relationship with Sebastian to hurt him professionally in any way – at least he liked to think so – but in anxious moments he wasn’t sure where Seb stood on that subject. Their combined insecurities and having to keep things secret led to many arguments, unkind words and tears, too many apologies and promises broken. He regretted some of the things he had said and done; he knew Seb felt the same. They loved with the same passion as they raced and argued. They always managed to get back together, drawn to each other and the temporary bliss of love and understanding before the next argument would shake the walls, break their hearts all over again, and leave at least Mark wondering what they were even doing.

Since the beginning of the year Mark had known it was over, as far as he was concerned. Sebastian had shown exceedingly clearly how much he didn’t respect Mark, and if that was what he wanted, Mark wasn’t one to deny him. His race was run. The balance of terror and hardhearted silence between them was only occasionally breached by looks of longing, rare kind words and mutual expressions of guilt and regret. To Mark it was a dull ache in an old wound that refused to heal. When it came to Sebastian, his heart felt heavy. Nothing but remorse, but the past couldn’t be changed.

Only a few weeks ago he had celebrated with the team and drank with the intent to simply drink himself to sleep. Sebastian had somehow manage to lay waste to his plans however, and he had woken up in Seb’s room, only too aware of words spoken with drunken honesty, old and well-rehearsed habits acted out as if they had never left each other’s side. During the night, Seb had intertwined their fingers and looked into his eyes and for once, Mark thought there was absolute honesty there, openness and a mature insight that everything went both ways and that Seb finally, truly, absolutely meant it when he returned Mark’s whisper of love before they both fell asleep together. He had left before Seb woke up. They hadn’t spoken since. He couldn’t exactly say why, but he knew he felt guilty about it. He hated himself for it. He regretted it.

 

\--

 

Mark looked up again.

“Do I have any regrets? Of course I do! I think everyone does. But I think you can’t live life focusing on what you would have changed _then_ , you’ve got to learn from that so you can change it in the _now_. I should have taken more of the chances I was given, should have maybe waited a couple of times when I didn’t...”

He broke off, looking around and was almost surprised to see the camera still on him, the eager and journalistically earnest face of the reporter as she nodded solemnly at his words. Mark cleared his throat.

“So yeah. I have regrets. But I hope I learn from them. I would do things differently if I could have a re-do, I think everyone would. I’ve lost things along the way I wish I hadn’t. But it was by my choice, my own fault, and I’m living with it.” He looked at his hands again. Nobody here understood, they thought it was all about racing. And wasn’t that the blessing? That nobody knew?

“The championship I didn’t get in Formula 1, well... it’s not a regret, really, but I hope I find it elsewhere. Other things are just lost, and all you can do is try to not repeat your mistakes.”

 

\--

 

Sebastian turned off the TV. Silence engulfed the room and Mark’s face still burned in front of his eyes for a few seconds after the image had gone. The joy of the championship had come early this year, meaning that by the end of the season he was left with something most akin to relief. It was over. It was time to go on break, gather strength, try to come back swinging next year, with a new car and a new teammate.

Somehow he knew it wouldn’t be as successful. Too much had changed, irreversibly so. He hated the arguments, but he missed Mark already. Without thinking about it he copied Mark’s movements, looking down at his hands for a moment, a trick they shared for when needing a second to think or a distraction from inappropriate reactions to stupid questions.

They rarely asked him if he had any regrets. He did. Plenty of them. Speaking too much, not speaking up, fighting too hard, not fighting enough... most of them suddenly felt connected to Mark though.

Mark had often told him to grow up, especially when they argued at their worst, all harsh words and spiteful remarks. Now Seb felt he had, and Mark was no longer there. He didn’t know what to do with that feeling. He agreed with what Mark had said on TV; nobody could change the past, and the best you could do was try to not repeat your mistakes.

But for weeks Seb had been stewing on a question for himself: what was it exactly he regretted? Was it going back all those times, all the pain of every door they had closed on each other and every time they had hurt each other yet again? Did he regret the pain he had put himself – them both – through by not just giving up, leaving his feelings aside and not caring that he was in love? Or was it not fighting harder for Mark, not compromising enough, not doing everything in his power to save them?

He got his phone out and looked at it. He had thought about doing it a million times, even started a few times but never finished, never quite knowing what to say. He still didn’t know. Bringing up an empty message and double-checking the number, he typed quickly.

_“We can’t change the past, but I love you now still.”_

Without looking, he hit ‘send’. He bit his lip and waited.

Not even a minute later his phone lit up and buzzed with a reply, but it took him a good ten minutes to dare open it. It was short. It sounded like Mark. Sebastian smiled.

 

\- The End -

**Author's Note:**

> All in good fun, as per usual. :)  
> Thanks for the read. <3  
> (Comments and kudos are extremely appreciated.)


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